寄托作文点评：Argument 34

http://www.gter.net 2003-2-9 10:01:56 寄托天下作者:paisley tju_gis

argument 34:

[BY tju_gis ]

Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium, substances
essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore believe
that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease
in which the bones weaken significantly with age and that is linked to both
environmental and genetic factors. But a long-term study of a large number
of people has found that those who have consistently consumed dairy
products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone
fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures
are a symptom of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.

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In this argument ,the arguer concludes that a diet rich in dairy products
may increase,instead of decreasing the risk of osteoporosis,alluding that
we should limit the consume of such products for health's sake,To support
this conclusion, the arguer cites the result of a study that those who have
consisitantly consumed dairy products are more vulnerable than others to
bone fracture,and fracture is a symptom of osteoporosis,hence more
vulnerable to osteoporosis.It seems reasonable at first glance,a close
examination with it ,however,will reveal several inherent flaws of it.
In the first place ,the argument is based on a gratituous assumption that
osteoporosis equals bone fracture,which is unwarrented.As we know ,there
may be alternative reasons such as sports and traffic accidents that cause
bone fracture.
Unless a convincing survey with the reasons of bone fractures of the
individuals involved in the study is proposed that all fractures are caused
by osteoporosis,the study will lend little support to the argument for its
own representiveness is suspected.
In addition ,the arguer fails to take into account the age,hobby and other
relevent background of the individuals who participated the study.It is not
just diary products that matter.It's possible ,even probably,that those who
like mounting as well as diary products.It's obvious that those climbers
are more vulnerable to bone fracture,how can we owe the fracture to the
diary products that he ate in the morning ?
Finally,the arguer ignores other factors such as genes,surroundings and
habits that may have some bearings on osteoporosis,To trace the causes of
osteoporosis to any single reason is to be miss the wood for the trees.
To sum up, the argument is unconvincing due to several reasons state
above .To Stength the argument,the arguer should estabish a causal relation
beteween osteoporosis and bone fracture,to make the argument more
cogent,the arguer should initiate a survey with those people to determine that if the diary products are the genuine reason for fracture.Unless the arguer do these ,the argument is not
acceptable .

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点评 by paisley[gter.net作文版版主]

先纠正几个小错，
1。“limit the consume of such products ” 应该是consumption。

2。“those who have consisitantly consumed dairy products are more vulnerable than others to bone fracture,and fracture is a symptom of osteoporosis,hence more vulnerable to osteoporosis” 这句话的最后半句hence这里，和前面重复了，可以拿掉。

3。“osteoporosis equals bone fracture，which is unwarrented” 我不是很肯定这个equal用的对不对，但是我感觉用the same with会更好一点。另外，这个which is。。。，从语法上说变成修饰bone fracture了，应该拆成两句话。

4。“take into account the age, hobby and other relevent background who participated the study” 这里，我觉得background改成element比较合适。后面说 participate，容易引起误解，以为是参与研究工作的人，用are involved比较好。

5。”It's possible, even probably, that those who like mounting as well as diary products “ 这句话在as well as这里好象缺了句子成分，不是很懂

6。 is to be miss the wood for the trees. 这里be 应该拿掉

7。the argument is unconvincing due to several reasons state above 这里应该是stated

8。should estabish a causal relation 应该是relationship哦。relation和 relationship是不一样的

其他都写的挺好的，句子还是很通畅的，意思也表达的很清楚。如果注意一下细节问题，上5 分没问题了：）
　

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